One of my favorite cards in the tarot deck is the Eight of Swords. It depicts a girl who is standing blindfolded with her torso and arms loosely wrapped in rope. She looks scared and hesitant, standing in a wasteland peppered with eight swords stuck firmly into the ground, collecting around her haphazardly. She feels stuck and stays there, frozen. But in reality, there's not much restricting her movement. The ropes tied around her allow her to move her legs, and they seem to be tied loosely enough that it seems as though she could easily pull her arms free and remove the blindfold if she only tried. For once her blindfold is lifted, she will see that there are not as many swords as she thought, and that there is a clear path forward out of the circle of swords with little to no resistance. It's easy to laugh at her for being so foolish, for pulling the wool over her own eyes and letting her imagination run wild. But we have all been in similar positions, and, if we try, we can understand the meaning of the blindfold and the ropes, which initially might seem intimidating to the girl and anyone in the same position.
I interpret the ropes as representing our limiting beliefs that include low self esteem, and the blindfold as being the fear holding us back from self awareness, happiness, from the reality that we are trapping ourselves in something that isn't really there, by something that can be easily disproved simply by opening the eyes. Blindfolds can be passed down to us, manifesting as fear of the world, of the self and your abilities, of failure and pain and embarrassment. My mother and her mother and her mother's mother chose the blindfold over clear vision, believing the illusion that self inquiry and healing trauma was scary and impossible without questioning it. The ropes that bound them were years of poverty and abuse that still felt very real and held them in place decades after this was no longer their reality. It held them back from moving forward and claiming their god-given right to fulfillment and peace.
I've been feeling very close to the Eight of Swords as of late. Growing up experiencing multiple forms of abuse, I have more than my fair share of issues with self esteem and self doubt. But as I've grown older, healed more, and estranged myself from my birth family for the past three years, it's coming to my attention that these issues are nothing but the ropes depicted in the Eight of Swords - their influence over me comes largely from my imagination. An imagination that was taught to reject my disabled self by either literally working myself to death or consigning to the "fact" that my future would be dull, my influence, purpose and contributions rendered non-existent solely because of the physical limitations I deal with. My disabilities aren't imagined, but my perceived inability to contribute my gifts to the world as a result is a figment of my imagination. Disability isn't holding me back. If I work hard enough and believe in myself, I can take off my blindfold and see that nothing is actually stopping me from pursuing my passions and nurturing others, even if it's not exactly in the way I wanted to or imagined.
My disabilities started to feel like ropes that enveloped me over the course of my life because of the messages all around me. My parents told me directly, indirectly and through their actions that my physical ailments made me a burden. I was expected to do what everyone else could do, and refusing to accommodate my own physical needs set me up for failure time and time again. It also made me sicker. As a child, I lost friends once my illness took hold enough to limit me to my bed because they thought I was a bummer. I have to lie about my abilities and forego accommodations I'm entitled to in order to get work because most employers discriminate against most folks who have any kind of disability. In this hyper-capitalist society, I am seen as someone who can't contribute due to my inability to work outside of the home (or, in the past, not work at all). They feel bad for me because they assume my life is inherently less rich and enjoyable than theirs. They shame me to this day for choosing self-compassion and better health by adjusting my life based on my health rather than choosing conformity. Trying to conform to being something I'm not was literally killing me. The stress was so bad and exacerbated my disabilities and sensory issues so severely that I started having trouble walking. I started having eye seizures and severe stomach trouble. I'd have massive panic attacks and regularly hear voices at work, my bipolar disorder exacerbated, doing everything I could to push through it. Choosing to live a life that supports my needs as a disabled person is considered a radical act. And it is because of these things that I felt unable to contribute to my community and have any relationships with people who thought I mattered. I felt this so much that I shut down and withdrew from most things and people for two years.
But back in December, some adjusting and wiggling brought to my attention that my ropes were loose and that there was a clear path to happiness available to me. The swords of people's words cutting through me are still around me, but there is a path through. And if I just raised my blindfold, I could see it and I could leave that cluster of swords which scared me into freezing in place. I recently took off my blindfold and, man, I was missing so much while my eyes were covered. I was powerless to the influences that bound me up, but I'm not helpless, not anymore. I can choose to free myself and look around and live a life untethered, without the voices of others holding me back completely. The swords will always be there and sometimes I walk into them. Sometimes they cut me. But I only need to take a breath and look around to remember the reality of my vast potential and inherent worth. I will heal and I will try again.
When I pull the Eight of Swords or even gaze at the card's art, I smile and feel so much love for myself and my inner child. I have nothing but compassion for my limiting beliefs, as well as yours, dear reader! We all have them. And we all have the power to push back, to test the ropes, and to find another way of being.
Here are some prompts to help you reflect on the medicine of the Eight of Swords.
What are your core beliefs about yourself? Which ones serve you? Which ones don't?
Do any of these beliefs limit you in some way? In what areas of your life do these beliefs affect you?
Where did you first hear or learn these messages?
Consider starting a self affirmation practice. Meditate on the roots of any negative beliefs you have about yourself and your place in the world you may have. Be gentle with yourself. Make some art. Reach out to a (non-toxic) friend or family member and ask them about how they feel you contribute to their life. You might be happily surprised by what you hear. Above all, keep an open mind! Are your ropes truly binding you in place? Are you wearing a blindfold? If so, why? What are you failing to see?
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